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Update 8.8.17

Ever since I was little my papa (grandpa) would always make me hot chocolate when I was sad. This year when things when I would get sad, instead of my papa making me hot chocolate it was me. 
  This year I celebrated a lot of holidays with my solo mug of hot cocoa, this was the first year I didn't get a sign birthday card or my birthday call. Fourth of July was always our favorite to spend together, lighting fire works spending the day our beautiful home in Gilroy and me playing with the cats. But the thing I miss the most besides drinking hot chocolate and spending holidays with him is that I'll never hear him call me sweetie again.    It's been almost a year since he's passed and I miss him so much. August is going to be read hard.
Recent posts

Update 8.5.17

Done. Officially done. I know I wrote about how I was dropping her, dropping her as a friend. But it was hard to do so. She and I were friends for so long... I just couldn't I kept making excuses to be her friend still I wanted the friendship to get better. But it's not going anywhere.

  I've had a lot of friends tell me that I'm not getting anything out of this friendship. That she uses me, that she's only there when she has no one else. Which I've noticed, she only texts me when she's bored or when she doesn't want to hangout with her step sister or her cousins. I just can't do it anymore, I need to be around friends who are going to be there for me.

  She doesn't know I have depression of anxiety, it's not something to typically advertise you know? But she was telling me her opinion about people who have it and she said, that people with depression and talk about killing themselves should just do it. She said that she would have the kni…

Update 7.30.17

Lately I've been getting told I've changed A LOT. But honestly I haven't changed not really. I'm still the same anime (anything nerdy to be honest) loving, snarky asshole I've always been. I feel like people are saying I've changed is because I'm becoming more "involved" if you want to use that word.

  What I mean by involved is going out more, yes I know I've been a straight up party girl for the past two years now. But what I mean by going out more I mean working out a lot more, going to events with my friends. Making new friends and becoming closer to my moms side of the family. Or we'll I think I'm getting closer to them? I don't know. They still don't invite me out anywhere. I was talking with my mom about it and she said that she never got invited to anything either. She then told me that if I see all of them hangin out I should just go. Pretty much inviting myself... But if I don't get an invitation in the first pl…

Update 7.16.17

Loss of friends to a gain of friends.

  Lately I've been placed with challenges in friendships that have been making me question if I should continue being said persons friend. They know who they are and they know what they're doing.

  If you're reading this, this is how I feel. If you're offended, I can't apologize for speaking my truth.

  So we've been friends for quite a while, since high school you know? She's my best friend... probably soon to be WAS my best friend. See friends are always suppose to be there for one another no matter what. Ride or die. Period. End of story. Of course we'll eventually go into our own careers, into our own families as we get older but the friendship is still there. We'll sill know we have one another. At least that's how I think a friendship should work.

  This girl I've been friends with for a long time has taken upon herself to choose dick over friendship. I know I mentioned above as we grow older we…

Update 6.28.17

So my moms leaving...

  I never thought I'd say that. One part of me wants to go to AZ with them, be with my mom, dad and sister. The other half of me tells me that my life is here. I'm suppose to be here in California. Living and trying to make it in the Bay Area. My mom said that if anything goes wrong I can of course come back home and that my family are planning on moving back to California... I just feel like I'm still alone.

  I know I have my moms family out here but I don't hangout with them as much. No one invites me to anything or asks me to hangout. I've always felt like the black sheep of the family. I don't mind being different, being different is how you get noticed. Hell its how I get jobs and a lot of people say I'm always being myself. Not saying my family isn't different or being themselves, I just like different things.

  I hope that I'll be closer to my moms side of the family, hangout with them more. I mean I don't even know…

Update 6.18.17

I'm torn... I'm feeling sad again or conflicted? I don't know.

  I'm trying to make something of myself, trying to find who I am again. I know I'm an artist, I use to draw almost every day. But I also love being behind a camera, for photos or filming. I remember I liked making short films all the time.

  Lately, I've been getting into more of my art. Seeing what I can do and push myself to get better. I don't have a camera. I use to a long time ago but my younger sister lost it and it was never replaced. I've been taking photos on my iPhone till I save up for a better camera as well as a new computer.

  I've been editing and taking the photos all on my phone, watching Youtube videos to help me along the way... but I think I found my passion again. I want to really focus on this and better my skill. I don't know if this hobby will turn into a profession but so far I've found my love again.

Update 6.15.17

Okay, okay, okay! I'll tell, I mean this is a beautiful place to visit and weirdly enough it's not even that far out in the San Jose. My little well kept secret is about to be... EXPOSED!!

  Honestly, I didn't know that a lot of people didn't know about this place just because of how close it is. I mean it's really really close to the Rose Garden. Wait, what? You don't know where the Rose Garden is? Please... Plleeeaaassseee tell me you're NOT from San Jose so I don't have to light a candle for you tonight.

  Okay well, a little background story about how I found out about this place. When I was younger I had this strong fascination with ancient Egyptian history. Loved it, couldn't get enough of it. So my dad took me and my mom there for a little tour which is here in San José, California and I fell in love with everything I saw. My parents loved taking my sister and me to all these fun and educational places.   I've even go to this place for …