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Update 4.18.17

 Hey again, long time no talk right? So last time I wrote I was in the middle of my car being repossessed while I was on holiday. Some crazy drama right? Well, its nothing that I can't handle though. At first, it was really stressful it really was a learning experience. Something I hope to never go through again and hope it never happens to my friends or family either. Through breakdowns, screaming and crying  I finally got my car back. I have such a great support system that I can lean on and I couldn't be more thankful to have them.

Everything in my life right now is just so stressful, family, friends, and love life. Sometimes I wish I could just pause everything and just have a moment to breathe.

I still feel like I'm trying to figure out who I am, or what I want to do with my life that is. It fucking sucks honestly, I get scared sometimes. Scared I won't know what I'll do with the rest of my life how I'm going to survive. I know I'll find my 'calling' somewhere. Maybe this blog is my calling... I don't know...

Anywho, I had my feelings hurt by someone really close to me and know said person is ignoring me. You know when you feel like you can trust someone with almost every bit of information about you. Your dark secrets, everything but you're scared because you know deep down inside this is going to become the one person who can hurt you. Yeah, that happened to me for a second time. I don't want to get into too much detail but let's just say this is the reason why I don't trust people, or at least have a hard time trusting people.

One of my best friends is moving away and my mom is going to be moving to Tuscon, AZ. I've always had a hard time with abandonment since I was a kid. It was like if I got close to someone they moved away or I moved away. This falls into why I don't trust people either. Now I get it, I can't control someone's living situation. If you gotta go, you gotta go. But what I am saying is I feel left alone, I feel like everyone around me is so happy and I feel happy for them to know especially if it's something they need to do. But again I feel alone... Like I'm not doing something right in my life to bringing me to where I need to be or whatever. Clearly, at this point of this update, I'm just ranting and this may or may not have a point in the end... I just feel so very alone. Like I'm in at a party, music blaring, the house is packed everyone is pretty much shoulder to shoulder. But there I am in the middle of the crowd, the music is muffled I'm untouched by anyone's happiness and I'm just standing there. No one sees me and I stand there, head down trying to fight back tears and I just wish that someone. Anyone just notices me... but no one does.

I don't know, maybe there isn't really a point to this post. I'm pretty sure no one reads this anyways.


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Updates 3.16.17

Hey, guys sorry for not updating last time about me going to the gym and meeting the trainer. A lot has been going on that's in my life that's been keeping me from being able to go to the gym. I've been having a rough time with my depression and recently shit happened with my car so now I don't really know what to do.

Picture this, waking up to a beautiful morning, telling yourself everything is going to be a great day. Makeup on point, hair beautifully kept then you go outside to go to your day and a bird shits all over your face. That's literally my life right now.

My dad's job relocated him to Tucson, Arizona last year and my sister is going to college in Tucson as well. My mom is finishing up her schooling here in California and once she's done with that she's going to be moving to AZ. I will still be staying in California because my friends, boyfriend as well as a job is out here, I don't have my own place but I'll be staying with my grandm…

Update 9.6.17

I didn't know what to talk about since I haven't been doing much to update you. But I think I might have something to talk about now. Betrayal. Hurt. Anger. Trust issues.

  Some pretty heavy stuff right? Yeah I know, but with some recent shitty "events" as we'll refer to them have happened. Events that I'm not okay with. So as we all know or maybe have figured, I have trust issues. This was and has been caused from moving a lot as a child, knowing my real dad didn't want me and of course the Cherry of it all, heart break.

  With the moving I don't blame my parents for that, we had to move. But not having the same friends all the time was pretty shitty and going into middle school or high school where everyone knew each other where I had to start from scratch sucked. But I'm over it and I've learned how to make friends. But now as I get older I try not to get close to anyone in fear that I'll move or they'll move away. I like keeping…

Update 6.28.17

So my moms leaving...

  I never thought I'd say that. One part of me wants to go to AZ with them, be with my mom, dad and sister. The other half of me tells me that my life is here. I'm suppose to be here in California. Living and trying to make it in the Bay Area. My mom said that if anything goes wrong I can of course come back home and that my family are planning on moving back to California... I just feel like I'm still alone.

  I know I have my moms family out here but I don't hangout with them as much. No one invites me to anything or asks me to hangout. I've always felt like the black sheep of the family. I don't mind being different, being different is how you get noticed. Hell its how I get jobs and a lot of people say I'm always being myself. Not saying my family isn't different or being themselves, I just like different things.

  I hope that I'll be closer to my moms side of the family, hangout with them more. I mean I don't even know…