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Update 4.18.17

 Hey again, long time no talk right? So last time I wrote I was in the middle of my car being repossessed while I was on holiday. Some crazy drama right? Well, its nothing that I can't handle though. At first, it was really stressful it really was a learning experience. Something I hope to never go through again and hope it never happens to my friends or family either. Through breakdowns, screaming and crying  I finally got my car back. I have such a great support system that I can lean on and I couldn't be more thankful to have them.

Everything in my life right now is just so stressful, family, friends, and love life. Sometimes I wish I could just pause everything and just have a moment to breathe.

I still feel like I'm trying to figure out who I am, or what I want to do with my life that is. It fucking sucks honestly, I get scared sometimes. Scared I won't know what I'll do with the rest of my life how I'm going to survive. I know I'll find my 'calling' somewhere. Maybe this blog is my calling... I don't know...

Anywho, I had my feelings hurt by someone really close to me and know said person is ignoring me. You know when you feel like you can trust someone with almost every bit of information about you. Your dark secrets, everything but you're scared because you know deep down inside this is going to become the one person who can hurt you. Yeah, that happened to me for a second time. I don't want to get into too much detail but let's just say this is the reason why I don't trust people, or at least have a hard time trusting people.

One of my best friends is moving away and my mom is going to be moving to Tuscon, AZ. I've always had a hard time with abandonment since I was a kid. It was like if I got close to someone they moved away or I moved away. This falls into why I don't trust people either. Now I get it, I can't control someone's living situation. If you gotta go, you gotta go. But what I am saying is I feel left alone, I feel like everyone around me is so happy and I feel happy for them to know especially if it's something they need to do. But again I feel alone... Like I'm not doing something right in my life to bringing me to where I need to be or whatever. Clearly, at this point of this update, I'm just ranting and this may or may not have a point in the end... I just feel so very alone. Like I'm in at a party, music blaring, the house is packed everyone is pretty much shoulder to shoulder. But there I am in the middle of the crowd, the music is muffled I'm untouched by anyone's happiness and I'm just standing there. No one sees me and I stand there, head down trying to fight back tears and I just wish that someone. Anyone just notices me... but no one does.

I don't know, maybe there isn't really a point to this post. I'm pretty sure no one reads this anyways.


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