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Update 9.6.17

   I didn't know what to talk about since I haven't been doing much to update you. But I think I might have something to talk about now. Betrayal. Hurt. Anger. Trust issues.

  Some pretty heavy stuff right? Yeah I know, but with some recent shitty "events" as we'll refer to them have happened. Events that I'm not okay with. So as we all know or maybe have figured, I have trust issues. This was and has been caused from moving a lot as a child, knowing my real dad didn't want me and of course the Cherry of it all, heart break.

  With the moving I don't blame my parents for that, we had to move. But not having the same friends all the time was pretty shitty and going into middle school or high school where everyone knew each other where I had to start from scratch sucked. But I'm over it and I've learned how to make friends. But now as I get older I try not to get close to anyone in fear that I'll move or they'll move away. I like keeping to myself sometimes though... more than half the time I feel like I'm just this huge burden to everyone and that it's best for everyone if I just stayed away.

  With my real dad, I use to feel like it was my fault he left my mom. That I caused them problems, BUT I've tried connecting with the bitch and let's just say him leaving was for the better. Honey let me tell you he's a hot fucking mess. We can talk about him in another post.

  Now what everyone has been waiting for heart break, now I don't mean this with just relationships with guys I've dated but also with my family. So I never grew up around my family so much. My Filipino side that is, I think it's because like how I've mentioned many times before. No one likes me or something along those lines. My girl cousin (she's technically my aunt but I'm older than her by a couple of months) calls me fat which doesn't really help with my I already feel about myself.

  My family always talks about how they're always there for one another how they all love each other but... why do they treat me like I'm so outcast or someone who's been removed from the family. My mom is scared that everyone is picking on me now that she isn't here and they haven't been really picking on me a much besides making fun of my weirght. My cousins baby mama was trying to cause drama between me and this guy I really really like. I talked to him about it but he's not talking to me right now... maybe my family said something to change his mind about me. I mean I wouldn't blame him, if they talked shit about me that is. My family is toxic as fuck and if he realized that, at least he has a chance to escape. He can at least live a life where your family doesn't constantly make fun of you to the point where you want to go home and cut yourself or even kill yourself. He was born into this shit show, I was and I can't escape unless I cut everyone off. I mean when I did talk to him about it, all the drama had triggered my panic attack and he told me that it was fine and that there was just a miss understanding. But like I mentioned above, everyone and everything leaves my life. Even if they promise they won't.

  You know that saying about being in a crowded room and still feeling alone. That's how my family makes me feel. I can be surrounded my people who's suppose to love me but I feel like they don't and I feel so alone. I don't think my family knows about my depression and anxiety, I don't think they know how many times I've cut myself over the things they've said to me. I don't even think they know about all the times I've wanted to just end my life because I felt like they would all be better off with out me. Like I've thought about just going to the golden gate right when they open and jump I've even thought of everything how to do it. Where to do it how or who would find me. Who could handle it if they found me, how I'd be able to do it without them even realizing that I did it. I've thought about taking camping trips by myself and just doing it somewhere in the wilderness. Motel room, my own house.

  This post turned really dark, Im sorry about that. I just needed to vent. To get out there that no I'm not okay. I need a hug from my best friends, I need someone to just hug me and drink hot chocolate with me and tell me "yeah it's shitty right now, I know, but it's going to get better. Just keep fighting." I try to tell myself this all the time. But sometimes I feel like I'm on the brink of giving up the fight. To finally tap out.

Comments

  1. Please don't hurt yourself! There are many people here who care about you! I would be very sad if I heard you ended it.. stay focused on your dreams. Forget those holding u back. Please, stay healthy :)

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